Many people, particularly in communities of color, are reluctant to seek out mental health services because of stigma. It's getting better but it is still an issue. We don't want to be labeled as "crazy" or seen as weak. I grew up in the church and was always taught to "give all my problems to Jesus" and for many years I struggled with depression without diagnosis. I tried to power through my depression and for my troubles I suffered from thoughts of suicide, days of uncontrollable crying, and not eating for months at a time. No one noticed because I was still being a productive member of society. I was still doing well in school (during high school and college), going to the gym, holding down a job and paying my bills. A lot of times we have a pre-conceived notion of a depressed person being someone balled up on the couch under a blanket and not leaving the house. Depression takes many forms and while it can express itself that way, there is also functioning depression.
After having multiple emotional blows happen to me within less than a year (one of my best friends died of cancer, the best relationship I had ever been in ended abruptly, I was having trouble finding steady work, and my car engine blew up and I had to buy a new one when I was going through financial difficulties), I had reached my breaking point. I would go to work and spent half the day in the bathroom trying to stop crying. I didn't enjoy doing anything fun. I stopped talking to my friends because I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy. The trigger that made me seek out professinal help was my uncontrollable crying at work. Maybe it's petty, but my problems were messing with my professionalism and that was something that I was not going to allow to continue.
At this time I had no insurance and was not working steadily so paying for mental health services was a big road block but I knew I needed to do it. I researched low cost mental health services in my area and found a program that catered to people in my financial situation. They put me in contact with a program run by a local university and I saw a therapist for a few months.
Let me be clear: I was not "cured" of my depression. I honestly don't think there is a cure. What did happen was that I was given coping mechanisms to get through my rough times. I had a place where I could unburden myself, cry as much as I needed to, and give voice to the feelings that I felt I couldn't admit to anyone. I learned to deal with and feel my emotions rather than push them aside and attempt to put on a brave face. I learned to express myself effectively to someone when they hurt me which was something I did not know how to do. It was a judgment free zone that helped me put some spackle on the cracks in the wall of my psyche. The wall isn't perfect, but when the cracks appear I know how to patch them up.
I still struggle with being open about seeking professional help. While I have been able to tell some of my friends about it, I have never told anyone in my family. I'm not afraid of them thinking less of me, I just don't want to answer the questions that are sure to follow. But I am grateful for what I learned in my sessions. They saved my quality of life. I feel like I am living and not just existing. I'm able to try new things and meet new people.
If any of what I have said resonates with you, please please please seek out help. It's there and it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you are in the Maryland area and are looking for low cost resources, please click here. Outside of Maryland, get some tips on where to find help here. It's all confidential. If you know someone who this may help please pass it along. Cheers to your mental health.
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